As little girls we have such vivid imagination of what we desire in our lives. We start at a very young age to imagine being a great mommy while playing with dolls, or acting on a stage in the largest theatre, or singing our hearts out and truly believing that no one has ever heard a voice like yours! God placed in each girl a deep desire to make a difference in the world, to be something special, or do something that no one else ever could, because after all we are amazing!
But, life happens and it can create a turn of events that washes us away from the shore of those dreams, and we wonder, could I ever get there? Life has drifted you so far away from your desires that it becomes a fading memory that we dismiss as child play. You may wonder, "Will I ever be able to have the dreams of my heart? Can I truly be healed from the brokenness of my life?" My story and my PASSION are to tell you, YES, you can and you will!! Deeper than my desire, it is God’s desire to take you from your darkest, deepest pain and free you, heal you and restore you!! Our journey never looks like what we thought it was going to be, but GOD makes the crooked places straight!
I always knew as a little girl that God had His hand on me in a unique way. I wasn’t like a normal little girl that would play with dolls, dress them up and pretend to have a family. I would get my parents devotional book and read chapters on the love of God, His power to forgive, and letting go of the past. Then I would look up all the scripture verses that would address the topic. Once I would have an understanding of the scriptures in my heart, I would stand up and look in my little dresser mirror and preach it to a crowd of thousands, and I would teach with passion and power as if they were all really there. I would be so moved that I would actually weep and experience the love of God so strong over the “invisible” hurting people. After I released my word from God over them, I would dry my tears and move to the next topic and do it all again. This passion for people has never left my heart.
I have such a deep, longing, desire for you to understand the power of God’s love and His ability to change and transform your life, no matter what you’ve been through. In Ephesians 3:17-18 it says, 17 that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love,18 may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— 19 to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. There is a fulfillment that comes by experiences His love that nothing else on earth is able to take its place. My prayer is for you to have this revelation and to know that God truly loves you. We will never understand the “whys” in life, but what heals the “whys” is the “Who”! God is the lover of your soul and He never stops loving you.
In my journey of 20 years in ministry I have experienced every up and down and all the between. Many things were wonderful but, some things took my breath away and I wondered how I was ever going to survive? It stole my joy, my hope, my peace, and some friends. It drove me to a cave of shame that I didn’t know how to come out of. You too, may have suffered life’s trials so deeply that you wonder how you could ever have Joy in life again, but I promise you; His love will fill you so deeply and heal you from the inside out. Your past will only be a memory, not a feeling.
God captured my heart at 18 years old and I made a commitment to serve the Lord for the rest of my life, no matter what came my way. I have wanted to run away a few times, but my commitment to trust Him kept me anchored to Him.
In my prayer time with the Lord, He called me to be single. He said, when the right one comes, you will know it. He set me apart for His purposes. Fast forwarding in my life, never did I imagine that at 35 I would still find myself single, yet having the deepest heartfelt desire to be married.
I didn’t understand my journey, but all I could do is Trust God even when I couldn’t see God, when I didn’t understand God, and when others in my life began to raise the eyebrow of disbelief for God’s promises.
Let me take you back again to when I was 18 years old, I faced such severe loneliness. It had only been a year that I was not dating, but I ached with loneliness. Everywhere I looked, everyone had someone. Driving in the car I saw couples, couples on billboards, couples walking out of church together, I think I actually saw birds tweeting around their heads and heard music playing. I had been overcome with the ache of being alone. After work one day, I went home and grabbed my bible and hugged it close to my chest and I said, “God, I don’t know how to be single, all I know is you told me to do it. I don’t know the Word on it and I’m hurting so bad God, and I need YOU to help me” In that moment I heard the still small voice inside me, “I desire to meet all your needs according to my riches in glory” (Phil 4:19). At that moment I knew there was nothing wrong with feeling lonely or my desire to feel pretty, to be romanced and feel loved, but I realized that GOD had to meet all those desires first. There was nothing or no one else He was going to allow to fill my voids. As I was hugging my bible tightly in desperation, I felt the presence of Lord standing behind me like a strong man. He wrapped His loving arms around me and I heard Him say, “I am going to fill you with my unconditional love” and this most amazing presence filled me so deeply and so lovingly. I never suffered with the “ache” of loneliness again!
Now, let’s fast forward to when I was 35 years old and “I” decided it was time for me to marry. It was the amazing presence of His love at 18 years old; that gave me the strength to do something that, even to this day, still amazes me. I was getting married and we had planned everything, from the wedding dress to the honey moon. But this longing desire to obey God at every cost and trust Him was screaming in me! With only 1 day before the wedding, I jumped off a cliff and called the wedding off. It literally through my world into a tail spin, I was thrown into this horrific cave of shame and humiliation. Some judging me, some just simply didn’t understand. Why didn’t I do it sooner? I had hurt so many people including myself. Many told me it was courageous, but I could only feel humiliation.
A friend that mentored me to healing asked me a very tough question two weeks following. “What was in YOU that allowed yourself to have this relationship as long as you did?” At first I was mad. Are you kidding me? I could give you a scroll of reasons why! I desperately wanted to point the blame to all my circumstances and everyone else! I wanted to start the ugly blame game, but I choose to look inside myself and truly wonder, what was it and why? I sat back and came to the realization, “I didn’t want to trust God anymore!”
I had lost sight of that young girl that had such a passion for God, His love and trusting Him. I had forgotten His precious promises and what His word said. I began looking at life’s circumstances and my “voids” in my life that I felt determined my worth. God had separated me and called me for something specific that He knew would be complete joy to me. God knows He has to connect me to a man who is very strong with the same calling, so we can run the race of faith together. I am doing things in my life, in ministry and for God that I would have never been able to do, by marrying my choice. I would have ultimately become very unhappy and been responsible of hurting the life of someone who God had said no to. I knew it was better to obey God now, than to really destroy our lives down the road.
I have been serving God for 20 plus years, because at 18, I experienced the fullness of God’s LOVE to be the core of who I am and He wants you to experience the same fulfillment. Not only knowing His love, but experiences the intimacy of His kisses. That love will get you through every disappointment, mistake, failure, rejection and the dark season’s of life.